Sometimes I throw up everything I eat. I'm starting to feel the pressure to be thin. I'm really, really starting to feel it. I've been throwing up rather often lately. This past weekend I did it both days, and twice during the week before that. I have a new thought pattern along with this new physical pattern. Whenever I reach to grab something to eat, or whenever I feel and hear my stomach rumbling I think about how it would feel to throw it up automatically. My thought after that is that I don't want to throw it up so I just better not eat.
When I noticed that this was becoming a problem I told Denielle and Sam about it. I knew that they would be the ones to freak out less and be more supportive. I ate during lunch today... I ate in moderation and I chewed slowly so I felt more full... When I was done the urge to vomit was there, and it was strong. I didn't puke though. I thought things through and I relaxed... I swear I could feel every little bit of food digesting and I wanted it out before it did so that my body didn't feel the effects of it, so that I didn't gain any wieght from what little food I did eat.
When I got home it was different story completely. I went to the fridge a half hour after being home and I began to eat everything I could get my hands on. A full bowl of ice cream, a pudding cup... another pudding cup, some chips and salsa, then finally a bagel slathered in cream cheese... After I was done binge eating I realized what I had done and went immediately to the bathroom. It was all I could do not to bend over the toilet and purge everything. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit again, thinking that maybe there is something left in there, something that I can get rid of to make the load less... but I can't.
I didn't throw up today... I know it seems like a small step, but it's really not. It's a big step to me... Maybe I really will be able to fix this on my own before it gets bigger, before it gets worse. I'm battling my weight issue, but I think I may just be able to be strong enough to defeat it... I hope.
Now all I have to do is control my binge eating, which has always been a problem in itself.
Sarah of t-r-u-t-h and constantine-.

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